where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
whose ass print is on the piano?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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