I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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