I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i love accidental penises.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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