I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
