Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
