I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
