walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
