From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
