I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
