I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
