i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
