Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
