I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
