I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
