Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
