I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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