but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I need moral support for this bender
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize