He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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