I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
