We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
