Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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