Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
