i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
