I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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