The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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