Your tits are I can't wait for
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
