Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
