Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
that is very illegal...i love you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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