These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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