who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
