I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
