I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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