sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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