I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
