My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
