i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
