i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
