I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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