my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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