Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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