He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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