I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
