I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
