Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
