I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
