ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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