I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
