I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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