Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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