hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
