If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
