you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
They have beer where we have blood.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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