Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
