his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
