I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
