shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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