the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
