i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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