I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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