Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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