Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
